Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre

Jen Kirkman & Chelsea Peretti dispense sex advice on Nerve

Nerve March 5, 2010
Sex Advice From People With Large Twitter Followings
by Ben Kharakh

Jen Kirkman, 35
http://twitter.com/JENKIRKMAN

What’s the best reason to date someone with a large Twitter following?
The best reason is that you’ll be secure in the knowledge that whoever you are dating is popular, and by positioning yourself next to said person, you have a shot at popularity and being adored too. You won’t admit this but I’ll say it for you.

How do I get a person from Twitter to meet me in person?
Why don’t you start with asking, “Hey, want to meet me in person?” Then pick a location and then make sure you are okay with the possibility of getting murdered.

What do I do about all these one-night stands that want to friend me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter?
If they were good in bed, let them follow you and maybe you’ll have a second-night stand. If not, I find that hitting “ignore” or “block” speaks volumes without having to say a word.

This guy I’ve been seeing is filling up my feed with too many jokes that aren’t funny. This is leaning toward deal-breaker territory. What should I do?
If his jokes aren’t funny that means he isn’t funny, and if that’s a deal breaker, go ahead and break the deal. You wouldn’t go to a restaurant if the chef’s dishes sucked. Reading unfunny things on the web should be something you only have to do when your uncle sends you email forwards a few times a year.

My boyfriend’s tweets disclose way too much information (”Gonna have sex now!”). He told me to lighten up, but I think he needs to tone it down. How much disclosure is too much?
If he is Tweeting that he’s going to have sex, he doesn’t seem like he’s that in the moment with you. And he sounds kind of douche-y. Are you dating John Mayer?

What’s the single biggest dating mistake that men/women make?
I think the biggest mistake women make is having sex on the first date, thinking it makes them seem cool and/or non-committal. He just thinks, “Now I know what that’s like and I have no vested interest in knowing you more…” It sounds old-fashioned, but wait until the third date like your grandmother would have.

What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned from your past relationships?
I’ve learned that when a guy is trying to dump me, I shouldn’t try to talk him out of it by arguing that I’m “the best thing for him.” A healthy diet and exercise are “the best thing” for everybody, but most people don’t want to do that either.

Chelsea Peretti
http://twitter.com/Chelseavperetti

My boyfriend’s tweets disclose way too much information (”Gonna have sex now!”). He told me to lighten up, but I think he needs to tone it down. How much disclosure is too much?
Wait, so his response was “lighten up”? Is he a jock from an ’80s movie? Don’t let this one get away, especially because imagine how he tweets about an ex-girlfriend. He probably really puts the pedal to the metal.

How do I get a person from Twitter to meet me in person?
How do you get a person from anywhere to meet you in person? Let me know.

What’s the best reason to date someone with a large Twitter following?
The more popular someone is on Twitter, the more balanced and humble they are likely to be. (Twitter is geared toward humility.) Someone with a large Twitter following is not likely to be a narcissistic or insecure type who needs constant attention.

This guy I’ve been seeing is filling up my feed with too many jokes that aren’t funny. This is leaning toward deal breaker territory. What should I do?
If his jokes aren’t funny, why do you still like him? Tell him you hate him. See how he responds to that and we’ll take it from there. You could mute him on Brizzly, but he sounds like the type to grill you on his tweets every night.

My girlfriend and I have been going out for a few weeks, but we’ve already said we love each other. How can I get my doubting friends to stop telling me I’m making a mistake?
Oh! That’s easy. Just be like: “I don’t know her too well, but I’m super attracted to her and she seems really cool. I have a good feeling about this and can’t wait to get to know her better. I know I’m prone to fantasy and to forcing intimacy super fast but I’m going to keep an eye on that issue via therapy and self-restraint.”

I really like dirty talk, but my girl does not. I found this out when I called her a slut and she got angry. How do I make it up to her?
Dude. You always gotta ease sluts into it via Pretty Woman. She’ll be all into the idea of being a high-class escort, so work that angle before you go full Hustler. Then again, maybe she’s just not the type.